The doubts of December

I find it had to believe that one month from today I will experience my second day immersed in the culture of Ghana. Today I bundled up in my long brown coat, argyle scarf, and boots to brave the vicious winter winds of central Pennsylvania. Next month, I’ll be slathering my skin with sunscreen and drinking plenty of bottled water to avoid sunburn and dehydration. Today my schedule was pretty routine – homework, lunch, class, work, dinner, etc. Next month, I’ll have to say goodbye to my meticulous planning and embrace a lifestyle not so heavily dependent on my daytimer.

Prior to this week my thoughts and feelings regarding my upcoming trip were full of excitement and delight. But in the past few days that anticipation has turned to anxiety; that joy to fear. What if I don’t like it there? What if I can’t seem to bond with the other students on the trip? What if I get malaria or bit by an animal or mugged? (I’m hoping my mom isn’t reading this particular entry)

And in typical Melissa-fashion, as if those concerns aren’t enough to keep me up at night or distract me from my work, the longer I lie in bed or sit at my desk in Old Main, broader fears and concerns creep into my mind. I begin worrying about the reality of graduating, finding a job, being far away from my friends post-graduation and having to make new ones, the overall direction of my life, etc. You know – real uplifting topics.

This all seems hypocritical coming from the girl who just a few weeks ago wrote about letting “May take care of itself” and “just focusing on November.” As December flies by, I’m having a hard time keeping that positive attitude. Even though I have dreamed of going to Africa since I was eight years old, I’m suddenly terrified by the thought that I will actually be there in a month. And although I have been told I should have no problem finding a job, I question my own abilities to do so.  

So even though in November the future didn’t seem so intimidating, I hadn’t yet experienced the doubts of December or the journeys of January.

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