and people wonder what we’ll do with English degrees!

The answer is: speak precisely, with words that really mean something. We’ll communicate effectively. I know it sounds easy enough, and most of us claim to do that every day, but I recently stumbled across a BBC news article about the horrible business-speak that’s killing language in our modern centres (it is a British article after all) of commerce. And this list of 50 blunders makes me wildly optimistic about my job opportunities, since I can, after all, tell people what I mean in a tactful, professional way that actually manages to use real words in a complete sentence.

Here are a few gems from the BBC article for your consideration. Read them, potential English majors, and take heart, because you are the next generation to go out and combat linguistic ambiguity and slackerdom!

“Until recently I had to suffer working for a manager who used phrases such as the idiotic I’ve got you in my radar in her speech, letters and e-mails. Once, when I mentioned problems with the phone system, she screamed ‘NO! You don’t have problems, you have challenges’. At which point I almost lost the will to live.”

“We used to collect the jargon used in a list and award the person with the most at the end of the year. The winner was a client manager with the classic you can’t turn a tanker around with a speed boat change. What?”

“My employers recently informed staff that we are no longer allowed to use the phrase brain storm because it might have negative connotations associated with fits. We must now take idea showers. I think that says it all really.” Goodness knows I can never wake up in the morning without my idea shower.

Several people complained about this little bit of linguistic imbecility: “The business-speak that I abhor is pre-prepare and forward planning. Is there any other kind of preparedness or planning?”

“The new one which has got my goat is conversate, widely used to describe a conversation.” This one doesn’t even save you any time. When the real word is only two letters longer, and is a real word, why settle for jargon?

The prize for sheer sarcasm comes from a British bank’s equivalent of a problem call-line: “Apparently, what we’re doing at the moment is sprinkling our magic along the way. It’s a call centre, not Hogwarts.” Scathing.

“My favourite: we’ve got our fingers down the throat of the organisation of that nodule. Translation = Er, no, WE sorted out the problems to cover your backside.” What on earth would possess you to use language so oriented towards bodily fluids in the wordplace? It really makes me gag (haha, that pun was just waiting too eagerly to be made).

“Here in the US we have the cringe-worthy and also in addition.” This one brings to mind the classroom experience of a good friend of mine, who was witness to a student saying that something was “almost, if not nearly” the same as something else. Excuse me? Don’t they mean exactly the same thing? So watch yourselves, English students. If you get cocky, it could happen to you, too, before you even graduate!

“I once had a boss who said, ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it, so you have to step up to the plate and face the music.‘ It was in that moment I knew I had to resign before somebody got badly hurt by a pencil.”

“At a large media company where I once worked, the head of human resources - itself a weaselly neologism for personnel - told us that she would be cascading down new information to staff. What she meant was she was going to send them a memo. It was one of the reasons I resigned - that, and the fact that the chief exec persisted on referring to the company as a really cool train set.” Points to this complainer for the word neologism — also known as a coinage, nonce word, synthetic word, or vogue word. If you can use that word naturally, then in my mind you’re well entitled to occasionally point out the. . . odd diction choices of your co-workers.

“Working for an American corporation, this year’s favourite word seems to be granularity, meaning detail. As in ‘down to that level of granularity‘.” Well, we are called to be the salt of the earth regardless of our profession, right? So let’s share our granularity, as well as our attention to detail, with the business world.

“After a reduction in workforce, my university department sent this notice out to confused campus customers: ‘Thank you for your note. We are assessing and mitigating immediate impacts, and developing a high-level overview to help frame the conversation with our customers and key stakeholders. We intend to start that process within the week. In the meantime, please continue to raise specific concerns or questions about projects with my office via the Transition Support Center…”

“Lately I’ve come across the strategic staircase. What on earth is this? I’ll tell you; it’s office speak for a bit of a plan for the future. It’s not moving on but moving up. How strategic can a staircase really be?”

“Thanks for the impactful article; I especially appreciated the level of granularity. A high altitude view often misses the siloed thinking typical of most businesses. Absent any scheme for incentivitising clear speech, however, I’m afraid we’re stuck with biz-speak.”

Speaking of the way in which things like the internet changes our cognitive functions, what better way to celebrate your work week than with a realization of what an odd sort of language a closed business system can foster in our minds?

Sure, really communicating and spending time crafting appropriate language takes more time, but to me, it seems to be an activity that’s inherently worthwhile. I was listening to the Weepies this morning again, to their song “Simple Life,” which discusses a few simple things (like making a cup of coffee, knowing all your neighbors by name, and all the stars in the night sky) that make life good and full. Taking the time to communicate well, whatever my sphere of life or role happens to be (the office, the classroom, home-body, author, artist), is definitely on my list of things that I aim for in a good life, along with eating well and sleeping a lot.

And laughing? Laughing is definitely on my list, too.

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