ex(PR)essed

I took Adele to the playground on Sunday afternoon after her nap. She was excited to swing and she showed great courage by going down a big slide all by herself. For awhile it was just the two of us, and then a dad showed up with his daugther and they started playing hide and seek. No biggie. But then, a roving band of middle school-aged kids showed up and drama ensued.

Adele was sitting amongst three older kids on the swings when the conversation turned a little too foul for this mama’s taste. These young kids were talking about how one of the other girls had spit on them, about someone else’s boyfriend, and then started using language that I won’t repeat and would like to cleanse from my and Adele’s ears. (You understand, right, that she’s at an age where she repeats almost everything.)

So, undecided as to whether to say something directly to the foul-mouthed, unsupervised kids or to simply leave, I opted to pluck Adele off her swing and head for home. (Much to her dismay, by the way.)

This situation has been bothering me all week for several reasons, but mostly because I don’t like the fear I felt at the moment and even now. I am afraid for my daugther to grow up in this messed up world. I am afraid that she’ll want to go to that playground to play with her friends some day, and I won’t be able to forget what I witnessed on Sunday. I’m afraid that girls will talk about her and be mean. I’m afraid she’ll get her feelings hurt or, worse, get her heart broken. I’m afraid that I won’t be good at demonstrating forgiveness and grace when inside I’m seething because of whatever wrong has been done.

This is yet another element of parenthood that I am unprepared for. I seriously feel like I need to quit my job and spend 24 hours a day on my knees because without the all-consuming grace, love, and protection of the Father, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to watch my baby grow up.

This world is so broken.

Since Adele moved into the Pooh Bear room at daycare in November, saying goodbye has always been a bit of a snugglefest. She helps me put her lunch in the refrigerator, take off her coat, and stash anything that needs put away. Then, we snuggle and smooch for awhile before I hand her off to one of the teachers. That teacher then carries her over to the window, and she waves goodbye and blows kisses as I leave. Such a sweet little routine.

Well, since Monday of this week, Adele has been quick to just join in the fun when we get to her room. She’s still interested in poking around in the fridge while I unpack her lunch, but then she just wants to play with her friends. I can barely get a kiss. And, twice this week she didn’t even go to the window to wave goodbye.

Oh my. This is hard on a mama’s heart.

It’s like Adele discovered a new confidence and assuredness after a weekend with no mommy and daddy. Don’t get me wrong — I’m thrilled that she’s comfortable at her daycare and grateful that she enjoys playing with her friends there so much. But, I know this is just the first of many tiny little (and enormous) steps she’ll take away from me in the coming years.

For now, I’ll be thankful that when I pick her up at the end of the day, she squeals and runs at me with arms wide open.

Well, I did it! I managed to have a perfectly lovely weekend with my husband without missing/worrying about my sweet girl too much. Adele had a wonderful time with her “Maam-ma,” aunt “Ket-tee,” and cousin ”Naniel.” As a matter of fact, she sobbed when they left on Sunday. There she was…stuck with boring mommy and daddy again.

Jeff and I spent the weekend at a hotel in Harrisburg with eight other couples from church at a marriage retreat. The weekend was led by our beloved pastor and his wife as well as a missionary couple from our church. There were sessions and homework. On the very first night, one of the sessions was about threats to a marriage. One of the threats was identified as infedelity, which was defined as everything from an sexual relationship outside of marriage to an unhealthy emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex. While thankfully neither of those issues are a threat in our marriage, I do think our marriage has a mistress of sorts, and she lives under our roof with us.

Since Adele was born, she has logically and understandly demanded alot of attention. And, I, especially, have more than willingly completely poured myself out for her day after day, night after night. (And, don’t get me wrong, I have loved it!) I have enjoyed feeling so completely needed, and have been delighted at the unconditional, enthusiastic way that Adele shows affection towards me.

But, when you’re giving your all to one person, there’s not much left for anyone else (including yourself). And, I think that’s what was starting to happen. Jeff is obviously a grown-up who is more than capable of taking care of himself, so I left him to do just that. And, now I realize that there must be a better balance. Jeff doesn’t need me to meet his every need, but he does want me to be a friend, partner, and ally, and that means I need to be a little more available.

I desperately want Adele to grow up in the home of two parents who are as crazy about each other as they are about her. I also want her to clearly see how our love for each other (and her!) is rooted solidly in the Lord.

So, it’s a new day for me and my hubby. While our “mistress” is likely to be under roof with us for at least another 17 years, we are newly committed to not allowing our well-intentioned affection towards her detract from our marriage relationship.

I am taking deep breaths today. I am focusing on keeping my heartbeat in check. Nice and easy. Nothing to it.

You see, this weekend, Jeff and I are leaving Adele for two nights (!) and going on a marriage retreat with some couples from our church. We’re leaving her in Grandma’s very capable hands, so I don’t have any real worries about that aspect of things. What I’m worried about is simply missing my sweet girl.

Before I had Adele, I lived under the impression that I would relish moments away from her. That I would be desperate for people to watch her so I could have a few minutes to myself or a night out with my husband. This has totally not been the case for me. 

I attribute that mostly to my working outside the house. Adele and I spend nine-plus hours apart each and every day. That makes our evening and weekend time really, really valuable to me. Plus, I find her to be a totally delightful companion.

So, to leave her for two nights?! What was I thinking?

Oh, that’s right — I was thinking about my husband. And me. And the ongoing health of our marriage. Those are good things to think about, right? Those are things that get forgotten when I’m busy doting on my little girl.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m super excited about the weekend. I’ll be hanging out with some of my favorite people (including Jeff). I won’t be scrubbing sticky hands, wrestling a fiesty toddler during diaper changes, and worrying about what to make for dinner. But, I know that I will think about Adele alot. I will be looking forward to our happy (hopefully!) reunion on Sunday and hoping that she’s eating, sleeping, and listening well all weekend along.

So, instead of hyperventilating, I’m really trying to trust that God has great things in store for our marriage this weekend. I’m going to be grateful for a mother-in-law who is willing to drive all the way from South Carolina to spend time with her beautiful granddaughter; I know it’s a weekend that they will both cherish. I will enjoy being with my husband and with our friends. And, I will miss my girl. There’s just simply no getting around it.

Our Florida vacation was fabulous. Relaxing. Rejuvenating. Full of fun. Wonderful memories were created with this bathing beauty. I lost count of how many times I stopped and marveled at how this beautiful, friendly, sweet little girl was my very own daughter.

Adele was such a good airplane passenger. She won the hearts of many. How do you tell a 19-month old how very proud you are in a way that means something to them?

She loved seeing her “papa” and “maam-ma.” She mastered blowing bubbles (a huge feat) and enjoyed swimming in the pool. She spotted ‘quirrels, doggies, and kit-tees. She learned to chomp like an alligator, and she relished every fresh strawberry, cucumber, tomato, and watermelon slice that she could get her hands on.

A good time was truly had by all.

Sometimes life seems to pass by in blur. Busy at home, busy at work. You know the story.

In addition to having a sick girl, we’ve also both been busy at work, and we’re in one those weeks where Jeff has multiple evening commitments. All this after a busy (but fun!) weekend out of town.

The only good thing about Adele being sick is how incredibly snuggly she gets at bedtime. I had her all wrapped up in a blanket that had been in mine as a child, and were making up a story about a little girl named Adele and black and white kitty who liked to play. Every once and awhile, Adele would just repeat a word I had said, but in a soft whisper.

In those moments the blur of life doesn’t matter. Just a soft-skinned, snuggly little girl with fly-away hair.

Life is good.

[Warning: This is a bit of a parental rant.]

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. For Adele that meant a party at school, and for me it meant a decision about whether to let her partake in all the sugary goodness that comes with a Valentine’s Day party. I relented, this once, and agreed that she could eat what the other kids were having, knowing full well that cookies and Jello were in her future.

It was significant — my willingness to allow Adele to enjoy all those treats — because normally she’s the only one in her class eating a morning and afternoon snack packed by her mommy. And the snack is usually fruit or veggies because, call me crazy, I think that’s better for her than Nutri-grain bars, frosted Cheerios, or cheese puffs (all things that have been on the other kids’ plates).

You see, if people were to assess my parenting and say that I’m too rigid or too strict about any one particular area, they would undoubtedly say “food.”  While I was pregnant, Jeff and I agreed that we wanted to do everything in our power to raise a little one who liked a variety of foods. (In other words, we didn’t want to raise a kid on chicken nuggets and french fries.) Towards that end, we agreed that I would make Adele’s baby food. Every spoonful that made it into her mouth was homemade. This accomplishment is seriously one of my proudest. Not necessarily because there’s anything wrong with jarred food, but mostly because this was an act of love from me to my baby, a tangible (and delicious, I think!) demonstration of how completely important she  is to me.

And, because she’s important to me, I also know it’s perfectly fine to let her have treats. (We do let her have treats at home, but that’s what they are — treats.) Yesterday she came home from daycare with more dirty spots on her pants than clean spots, my first sign that things had perhaps gotten a little out of control. She had clearly sat in some sort of pink frosting.  She was a talkative, busy mess when she got home. It was fun at first to see her so animated, but then she started dipping her hand in her yogurt and flinging it all over the floor, herself, and the cupboards. She couldn’t settle down at bedtime and was awake talking and playing in her crib for an extra hour.  It took me awhile to put two and two together, but I did: the sugar was to blame.

As part of her Valentine’s Day celebration, she and her classmates also exchanged valentines in their handmade, adorable bags. I was stunned at how much candy was in Adele’s bag! Little bags of M&Ms, Rice Krispie treats, lollypops, Hershey Kisses…all things that are totally inappropriate (in my opinion) for one year olds!

As parents we take seriously our responsibility to teach our children good manners. We want them to be safe and we remove hazzards from their path. How can we care so much about those things and not care about giving them a good foundation for a healthy lifestyle? How can our personal convenience be more important than their well-being? Because that’s what it really boils down to right? Candy is cheap and easy to find. Veggies and fruits are more expensive and burdensome what with all the washing and chopping.

I’m plenty lazy about many things, but I won’t be lazy about my daughter. And, for this brief span of time when she’ll let me select her meals, I’m going to help her get off to a good start.

If you were to poll 20 moms, you would likely get 20 different answers to the question, “You know you’re a mom when…”

Well, I only polled one mom (me!) and these are the best answers that I could come up with.

• You don’t think twice about letting your sweet daugther spit her half-chewed bagel into your hand.
• You relish an open-mouthed kiss…on your nose!
• You willingly share anything on your plate if asked, “pease?”
• You sleep through your husband’s alarm right next to you but wake up if your daughter even whimpers in the room down the hall.
• You carefully monitor someone else’s bodily fluids.
• You can barely complete a sentence without talking about your beautiful daughter.
• You swell with pride at every friend, family member, or stranger’s mention of ”cute,” “smart,” “fun,” “dear,” “brave,” or “sweet” in relation to your daughter.
• You can honestly say that your terrible labor pains were completely worth it and that you would even repeat them for the same outcome.
• You let a curious little girl emtpy out your pantry or “try on” your clothes if it keeps her happy and busy.
• You willingly listen to children’s music in the car and read “Red Hat Blue Hat” over and over again, even though you think it’s kind of a ridiculous book.
• You prefer to shop in the kid’s section rather than the ladies’ section.
• All this world has to offer — except that sweet little girl — seems so secondary.

I can’t believe it. My baby girl is 18 months old today.

That tiny, red-faced, bendy little breach baby who backed her way into the world one hot August afternoon is now a happy, snuggly, sweet girl with tons of enthusiasm and a growing vocabulary. Where has the time gone? Am I going to blink and then be sending her off to college? I can hardly bear the thought.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Adele and what I want to help her remember about her life right now. I’m a scrapbooker, after all, so I think in these terms all the time. I’ve dedicated a lot of pages in her scrapbook to telling her how I feel about her, and that’s certainly important, but as she marks one-and-a-half years of life, I also want her to remember some of the details of her day-to-day.

A list of such memorable details might go like this:

You love “kit-tees.” Love, love, love them. Every since we visited Grandma and Papa Lorow at Christmastime and you met Jewel, their family cat, you’ve been crazed! Every once and awhile a neighborhood cat makes it way into our yard, and you can hardly contain your excitment. Morning, noon, and night, we peak out the window and hope to spy “kit-tees.”

You are smart as a whip! Your teachers at daycare regularly tell me how smart you are — it warms this proud mama’s heart. You are learning so many words and amazing us every day. You are especially good at remembering and saying people’s names. You also know animal sounds, and you can identify many animals by sight.

Our evening routine after we get home is for you and daddy to play together while I make dinner. You come in the house saying “da-da ball.” You want daddy to carry you while he kicks a ball around the house. Sometimes mommy joins in and that usually makes you laugh. Then we eat dinner together. You are a terrific You also love your milk. We clean up a little and you play for a few minutes more before we head upstairs to get you ready for bed. Once zipped into to your footy-jammies, we settle in to read a few books. Some favorites are “Big Red Barn,” “Goodnight Moon,” “Are You My Mother?”, “Who Lives Here,” and a lift-the-flap book featuring Elmo and the Sesame Street gang. By 7 p.m. you are ready for bed, sometimes even pointing to the light and helping to shut the door. You might cry or whine for a minute or two when we put you in your crib, but for the most part you are very grown-up about going to bed by yourself. You like having a sippy cup of water in your crib too. We had started giving you one during a time when you had a bad cough, and you enjoyed being having it so much that we’ve continued to leave it there for you.

During the week, we all need to be up and going by 6:30. You are often awake when we go in to get you, sometimes playing quietly in your crib and sometimes jabbering away. We do have to wake you up occassionally, and you are still so sweet and so excited to see us. We change your diaper, get you dressed for the day, and head downstairs for breakfast. By 7:30, we’re out the door and ready for our day.

You are doing really well as a Pooh Bear at daycare. You have some good friends in your class, including “Gon-ka” (Anika), “Al,” (Alex), and Miss Sue. They tell me that you sing and dance during circle time, are especially interested in art projects, and always help when it’s time to clean up. Picking you up from daycare is my favorite part of the day. You squeal and jump around as soon as you see me, often waving goodbye to your friends before we even get your coat on. On the way home, you eat a snack and often we listen and sing along with children’s music.

Music is important to you. We “sing” certain songs together, including “The Wheels on the Bus,” (you like to swish-swish like the wipers, cry like the baby, and hush-hush like the mommy), “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes,” and a special, crocodile version of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” You also know many Wiggles songs, thanks to a DVD we have called “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing.” You especially like to dance with your mommy.

People love being around you, Adele, because you’re always so happy to see them! You’re not afraid to be held by people you don’t know very well. You get especially delighted to see Miss “Nan-nee” (Sandy), “Roof” (Ruth), “Co-Col” (Colin), and Ben.

Your very favorite food seems to be baked oatmeal with blueberries, and I make it for you almost every weekend. You also like “go-gurt” (yogurt), pizza, bagels, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Jello, tomatoes, and all kinds of snacks like animal and goldfish “crakah” (crackers).

What a gift these past 18 months have been with my sweet girl. What a joy to see her grow in her confidence and abilities. What a blessing to hear her call me “mama” and to see her face light up when she sees me. I can honestly say that not a single day goes by that I don’t stop and thank the Lord for the blessing that is Adele.

Happy year-and-a-half birthday, sweet, sweet girl!

I’m distracted, which is why I haven’t blogged in so long.

We sold our house, bought a house, and are moving in nine days.

And, in just a little over two weeks my sweet baby girl is turning one. So, life is a little hectic and a lot stressful.

And, for me, quite emotional. I never used to be like this, but somehow motherhood has turned me into a total sap. I can hardly think about Adele’s birthday without getting teary because I’m amazed at how much she’s grown and delighted at the smart, funny, beautiful little girl she’s growing into. These are happy tears for sure. I just feel so very blessed.