ex(PR)essed

I took Adele to the playground on Sunday afternoon after her nap. She was excited to swing and she showed great courage by going down a big slide all by herself. For awhile it was just the two of us, and then a dad showed up with his daugther and they started playing hide and seek. No biggie. But then, a roving band of middle school-aged kids showed up and drama ensued.

Adele was sitting amongst three older kids on the swings when the conversation turned a little too foul for this mama’s taste. These young kids were talking about how one of the other girls had spit on them, about someone else’s boyfriend, and then started using language that I won’t repeat and would like to cleanse from my and Adele’s ears. (You understand, right, that she’s at an age where she repeats almost everything.)

So, undecided as to whether to say something directly to the foul-mouthed, unsupervised kids or to simply leave, I opted to pluck Adele off her swing and head for home. (Much to her dismay, by the way.)

This situation has been bothering me all week for several reasons, but mostly because I don’t like the fear I felt at the moment and even now. I am afraid for my daugther to grow up in this messed up world. I am afraid that she’ll want to go to that playground to play with her friends some day, and I won’t be able to forget what I witnessed on Sunday. I’m afraid that girls will talk about her and be mean. I’m afraid she’ll get her feelings hurt or, worse, get her heart broken. I’m afraid that I won’t be good at demonstrating forgiveness and grace when inside I’m seething because of whatever wrong has been done.

This is yet another element of parenthood that I am unprepared for. I seriously feel like I need to quit my job and spend 24 hours a day on my knees because without the all-consuming grace, love, and protection of the Father, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to watch my baby grow up.

This world is so broken.

Well, I did it! I managed to have a perfectly lovely weekend with my husband without missing/worrying about my sweet girl too much. Adele had a wonderful time with her “Maam-ma,” aunt “Ket-tee,” and cousin ”Naniel.” As a matter of fact, she sobbed when they left on Sunday. There she was…stuck with boring mommy and daddy again.

Jeff and I spent the weekend at a hotel in Harrisburg with eight other couples from church at a marriage retreat. The weekend was led by our beloved pastor and his wife as well as a missionary couple from our church. There were sessions and homework. On the very first night, one of the sessions was about threats to a marriage. One of the threats was identified as infedelity, which was defined as everything from an sexual relationship outside of marriage to an unhealthy emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex. While thankfully neither of those issues are a threat in our marriage, I do think our marriage has a mistress of sorts, and she lives under our roof with us.

Since Adele was born, she has logically and understandly demanded alot of attention. And, I, especially, have more than willingly completely poured myself out for her day after day, night after night. (And, don’t get me wrong, I have loved it!) I have enjoyed feeling so completely needed, and have been delighted at the unconditional, enthusiastic way that Adele shows affection towards me.

But, when you’re giving your all to one person, there’s not much left for anyone else (including yourself). And, I think that’s what was starting to happen. Jeff is obviously a grown-up who is more than capable of taking care of himself, so I left him to do just that. And, now I realize that there must be a better balance. Jeff doesn’t need me to meet his every need, but he does want me to be a friend, partner, and ally, and that means I need to be a little more available.

I desperately want Adele to grow up in the home of two parents who are as crazy about each other as they are about her. I also want her to clearly see how our love for each other (and her!) is rooted solidly in the Lord.

So, it’s a new day for me and my hubby. While our “mistress” is likely to be under roof with us for at least another 17 years, we are newly committed to not allowing our well-intentioned affection towards her detract from our marriage relationship.

I am taking deep breaths today. I am focusing on keeping my heartbeat in check. Nice and easy. Nothing to it.

You see, this weekend, Jeff and I are leaving Adele for two nights (!) and going on a marriage retreat with some couples from our church. We’re leaving her in Grandma’s very capable hands, so I don’t have any real worries about that aspect of things. What I’m worried about is simply missing my sweet girl.

Before I had Adele, I lived under the impression that I would relish moments away from her. That I would be desperate for people to watch her so I could have a few minutes to myself or a night out with my husband. This has totally not been the case for me. 

I attribute that mostly to my working outside the house. Adele and I spend nine-plus hours apart each and every day. That makes our evening and weekend time really, really valuable to me. Plus, I find her to be a totally delightful companion.

So, to leave her for two nights?! What was I thinking?

Oh, that’s right — I was thinking about my husband. And me. And the ongoing health of our marriage. Those are good things to think about, right? Those are things that get forgotten when I’m busy doting on my little girl.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m super excited about the weekend. I’ll be hanging out with some of my favorite people (including Jeff). I won’t be scrubbing sticky hands, wrestling a fiesty toddler during diaper changes, and worrying about what to make for dinner. But, I know that I will think about Adele alot. I will be looking forward to our happy (hopefully!) reunion on Sunday and hoping that she’s eating, sleeping, and listening well all weekend along.

So, instead of hyperventilating, I’m really trying to trust that God has great things in store for our marriage this weekend. I’m going to be grateful for a mother-in-law who is willing to drive all the way from South Carolina to spend time with her beautiful granddaughter; I know it’s a weekend that they will both cherish. I will enjoy being with my husband and with our friends. And, I will miss my girl. There’s just simply no getting around it.

A few weeks ago my friend Anna loaned me a copy of “Gone with the Wind.” It’s a mammoth book — beautiful, red cloth with a fancy ribbon for marking my place. Jeff laughed at me every time I crawled into bed with the book because it was like I was cuddling up with my Shakespeare anthology. Awkward.

So, I was at a used book sale on Saturday, and I made it my priority to try to find a used copy of GwtW. Success! A neat little hardback. Much more manageable (and perfect for my upcoming trip to Florida).

The book felt familiar the second I saw it but I didn’t think too much about it. As the day wore on, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had seen that particular book cover before. And then it dawned on me — this is the same copy of GwtW that my Grandma had on her bookshelf!

Such a silly thing to make a girl so happy, but I keep smiling at the very thought. I can exactly picture the bookshelves and some of the books on it. It was from that same bookcase that I randomly plucked “The Thornbirds” one summer and fell in love with that story. Grandma let me have that book, and now how I wished I had asked to read GwtW too so I would have her copy.

Amazing how one little book can bring back a flood of memories and smells. I wish I could give Grandma a quick call and let her know how much I’m enjoying a story that she clearly treasured.  I wish I could tell her about Adele and my job and the weekend’s crossword puzzle. But, I’ll settle for this accidental treasure and be grateful that I have so many happy memories to call upon.

If you were to poll 20 moms, you would likely get 20 different answers to the question, “You know you’re a mom when…”

Well, I only polled one mom (me!) and these are the best answers that I could come up with.

• You don’t think twice about letting your sweet daugther spit her half-chewed bagel into your hand.
• You relish an open-mouthed kiss…on your nose!
• You willingly share anything on your plate if asked, “pease?”
• You sleep through your husband’s alarm right next to you but wake up if your daughter even whimpers in the room down the hall.
• You carefully monitor someone else’s bodily fluids.
• You can barely complete a sentence without talking about your beautiful daughter.
• You swell with pride at every friend, family member, or stranger’s mention of ”cute,” “smart,” “fun,” “dear,” “brave,” or “sweet” in relation to your daughter.
• You can honestly say that your terrible labor pains were completely worth it and that you would even repeat them for the same outcome.
• You let a curious little girl emtpy out your pantry or “try on” your clothes if it keeps her happy and busy.
• You willingly listen to children’s music in the car and read “Red Hat Blue Hat” over and over again, even though you think it’s kind of a ridiculous book.
• You prefer to shop in the kid’s section rather than the ladies’ section.
• All this world has to offer — except that sweet little girl — seems so secondary.

As I’ve been thinking about being creative in this new year and as I’ve found myself feeling incredibly motivated to scrapbook, I’ve also been thinking about the stumbling blocks and distractions that in the past have thrown me off my creative course. Hand’s down the biggest one is time. Or, more specifically, lack thereof.

As important as creating physical space for creative endeavors is carving out time. This is no easy task for most of us. When you’re managing a family, full-time work, church and social activities, a house, and marriage, it can be difficult to set aside 10 minutes, let alone 2 hours, for your hobbies. Yet, in this New Year I’ve really started thinking about scrapbooking in similar terms to how my husband approaches his runing schedule.

Jeff is very disciplined about his running. He knows in advance what his anticipated mileage for the week should be and he plots out the necessary days/lengths of run to accomplish that goal. Sometimes that means spending four hours on a Saturday morning out on the trails or squeezing in a run after dark on a Sunday night. Regardless of the circumstances though, he runs.

I can’t exactly match the hours he spends running with scrapbooking, but I can adopt the same sort of mind frame and discipline. I can work towards being especially efficient when I do have a few moments (or hours) to spend in my craft room. I can gather ideas and jot notes throughout the week. And, I can allow myself to scrapbook guilt-free, meaning recognizing that capturing our family’s history is a meaningful way of contributing to our day-to-day lives. As meaningful and important as clean floors and dust-free tabletops.

So, how am I doing with making time? Well, so far so good! But, our family’s February and March are slated to be quite a bit busier than January, so the challenge will really be on now. I know, however, that I have 1.5 hours every Monday night for crafting — that’s a time when Jeff is bowling and my fellow crafting friend Sandy comes over to hang out with me and Adele. And, I’m committed to relishing that time! I may not always accomplish much in that 90 minutes, but I’m also allowing myself to be ok with leaving a  project incomplete for days at a time or even lowering my expectations for the self-imposed perfection I strive to attain.

I think I’m writing this post because our calendar is so much more full in the coming weeks, and I want to encourage/remind myself to make time for the things I enjoy.

What’s your personal style? Don’t know? Me either.

I just came from a shopping trip at Pier 1. I had a gift card, and they had lovely things. It was a match made in heaven! I definitely like Pier 1, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say that they’re an exact match with my style. While there were more things on the shelves and on display that I liked very much, there were also plenty of pieces that didn’t suit my taste at all.

I’ve often wondered about my personal style and even lamented to people that I don’t can’t seem to define mine. My house is a hodge-podge of antique store-finds, big-box store stuff that everyone else has too, and family memory pieces. I cringe when people describe it as ”country,” even though it’s certianly closer to country than modern/sophisticated/trendy.

I guess I’m becoming ok with having a style that does not have an easily -recognized label. I doubt that people who hang out with me at church or work are surprised when they see the way my home is decorated. At least I hope they’re not!  My hodge-podge decorating style is, perhaps, just consistent with who I am — a girl with lots of interests and curiosities who both likes digging around in dusty antique stores and shopping under the bright lights of Target.

Last year I took a spiritual gifts inventory. I thought it came back with disappointing results. I had about six gifts all within one point of each other. It didn’t tell me anything about myself or my gifts, I said.

I was wrong.

It told me that my gifts–in a tie for first place–were showing mercy and service. My pastor disputed my skepiticism. And, I started thinking about my years in the church and as a believer and considering the projects and moments in which I felt closest and most useful to God, and it was in moments of service! Yay! My inventory was correct.

Ever since, I’ve been thinking a lot about the spiritual gift of service and what it really looks like for me and my walk with the Lord. I have some ideas, and I’m trying out a new role or two at church this year in hopes of further refining how I can be most effective for the Lord, for his church, and for the lost. I’ll keep you posted.

Anyhow, I was delighted when my sweet friend Laurie called my attention to the Etsy project, Share Your Love. Etsy, a site that sells only handmade goodies, is seeking people to make valentines for the more than 18,000 elderly residents of New York City who receive Meals on Wheels. This project is SO up my alley! What a great way to combine my word of the year — creative — with my spiritual gift — service!

So, friends, stay tuned! I’m hoping to host a card-making party at my house (and perhaps at work too). I’d like to bundle a whole bunch of lovingly made, cheery little Valentines to send to the sweet grandmas and grandpas of NYC. Won’t you join me?

I think part of the reason that I’m feeling more creative and inspired in this new year is because of this awesome space that I’ve carved out for myself in our new house. Fortunately for me, I’m able to have my own crafting room. The space that was available to me in this house for such a purpose exceeded my expectations, and it sat empty and white-walled for quite awhile until I could decide how to paint, arrange, and decorate the room.

I wavered on what color to paint the walls and then finally followed my first (and best!) instinct and went with a shade of green. I’m a girl who loves green. Why try to convince myself otherwise by painting the one room in the house that is completely mine some other color?! Exactly. So, green it is.

I repurposed some furniture from our old house, bought two new pieces for cheap at  Big Lots, and landed an awesome old, red toolbox at an antique store. I really couldn’t be happier with how it turned out.

So, here are a few photos in case you need a little inspiration of your own these days.  I’m even sharing a glimpse of my table as I work on a page in Adele’s album. Just being in this room getse my creative juices flowing!

Every year around this time, I get excited by the idea of a fresh start in a new year.  I don’t necessarily makes lists of resolutions, but I always try to envision myself in the coming year and to anticipate what goals and priorities I might want to set for my life. In the past two weeks, I’ve been really stewing over the Beth I want to be in 2011. And once I get over imaging myself as super skinny, I start to really identify what’s realistic for me and important for my family.

So, in no particular order, here’s what I’m thinking about for 2011.

1. Creativity. I keep coming back to this. I read a handful blogs daily, and they’re each written by women about my age who are working from home and creating. Some are focused on photography, some on scrapbooking, some on cooking, and some on raising a family. But there are creative elements of their lives that I really admire. Couple that with my overwhelming desire to capture life in a scrapbook, and I’m feeling very focused on being creative this year. As a matter of fact, if I were choosing one word for 2011 (as Ali Edwards does each year), I think I would choose creative.

2. In my mind, “creative” in my life applies to more than just piecing paper together for a scrapbook. I want to think creatively about my job, my marriage, and my parenting. I want to be bold in my hospitality — worrying less about a clean house and more about relationships. I want to be fearless in the kitchen. I want to be creatively connected to people by sharing homemade and handmade goodies.

3. We are the newbies in our neighborhood, and I declare spring/summer 2011 as the season of getting to know the people we share a street with. It’s a goal of mine that by next year at this time, we will have a meaningful relationship with at least one neighbor/family. That means more than just a silent wave as we both get in our cars in the morning. I want to know them personally and be invested in their life.

4. General good health. I’m not talking about specific weight loss or exercise goals because I don’t have them. I am talking about just moving towards a healthier lifestyle. That might mean nightly walks with with Adele through the neighborhood in warmer weather. It might mean less ice cream. It might mean more salads. I don’t totally know. Greater health for me also means, by the way, a deeper, closer relationship with God. I don’t want to say that means daily devotionals or lengthy prayer times. Both those disciplines are very important, but I long to just be more aware of God — to see and acknowledge him in the day-to-day stuff, in the Sunday morning worship, in encouragement offered by a co-worker, and in the food on my table.

5. Finally, I guess my last point of focus for the new year is relationships. In many ways, all of my above-mentioned goals can point back to this one, and I hope that they do. Specifically, I hope that my marriage will be healthier,  my friendships deeper, and my family relationships stronger.

I like clean slates. I like the potential they represent. Therefore, I’m pleased to welcome 2011 and all the potential it promises with open arms.