ex(PR)essed

Since Adele moved into the Pooh Bear room at daycare in November, saying goodbye has always been a bit of a snugglefest. She helps me put her lunch in the refrigerator, take off her coat, and stash anything that needs put away. Then, we snuggle and smooch for awhile before I hand her off to one of the teachers. That teacher then carries her over to the window, and she waves goodbye and blows kisses as I leave. Such a sweet little routine.

Well, since Monday of this week, Adele has been quick to just join in the fun when we get to her room. She’s still interested in poking around in the fridge while I unpack her lunch, but then she just wants to play with her friends. I can barely get a kiss. And, twice this week she didn’t even go to the window to wave goodbye.

Oh my. This is hard on a mama’s heart.

It’s like Adele discovered a new confidence and assuredness after a weekend with no mommy and daddy. Don’t get me wrong — I’m thrilled that she’s comfortable at her daycare and grateful that she enjoys playing with her friends there so much. But, I know this is just the first of many tiny little (and enormous) steps she’ll take away from me in the coming years.

For now, I’ll be thankful that when I pick her up at the end of the day, she squeals and runs at me with arms wide open.

Well, I did it! I managed to have a perfectly lovely weekend with my husband without missing/worrying about my sweet girl too much. Adele had a wonderful time with her “Maam-ma,” aunt “Ket-tee,” and cousin ”Naniel.” As a matter of fact, she sobbed when they left on Sunday. There she was…stuck with boring mommy and daddy again.

Jeff and I spent the weekend at a hotel in Harrisburg with eight other couples from church at a marriage retreat. The weekend was led by our beloved pastor and his wife as well as a missionary couple from our church. There were sessions and homework. On the very first night, one of the sessions was about threats to a marriage. One of the threats was identified as infedelity, which was defined as everything from an sexual relationship outside of marriage to an unhealthy emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex. While thankfully neither of those issues are a threat in our marriage, I do think our marriage has a mistress of sorts, and she lives under our roof with us.

Since Adele was born, she has logically and understandly demanded alot of attention. And, I, especially, have more than willingly completely poured myself out for her day after day, night after night. (And, don’t get me wrong, I have loved it!) I have enjoyed feeling so completely needed, and have been delighted at the unconditional, enthusiastic way that Adele shows affection towards me.

But, when you’re giving your all to one person, there’s not much left for anyone else (including yourself). And, I think that’s what was starting to happen. Jeff is obviously a grown-up who is more than capable of taking care of himself, so I left him to do just that. And, now I realize that there must be a better balance. Jeff doesn’t need me to meet his every need, but he does want me to be a friend, partner, and ally, and that means I need to be a little more available.

I desperately want Adele to grow up in the home of two parents who are as crazy about each other as they are about her. I also want her to clearly see how our love for each other (and her!) is rooted solidly in the Lord.

So, it’s a new day for me and my hubby. While our “mistress” is likely to be under roof with us for at least another 17 years, we are newly committed to not allowing our well-intentioned affection towards her detract from our marriage relationship.

I am taking deep breaths today. I am focusing on keeping my heartbeat in check. Nice and easy. Nothing to it.

You see, this weekend, Jeff and I are leaving Adele for two nights (!) and going on a marriage retreat with some couples from our church. We’re leaving her in Grandma’s very capable hands, so I don’t have any real worries about that aspect of things. What I’m worried about is simply missing my sweet girl.

Before I had Adele, I lived under the impression that I would relish moments away from her. That I would be desperate for people to watch her so I could have a few minutes to myself or a night out with my husband. This has totally not been the case for me. 

I attribute that mostly to my working outside the house. Adele and I spend nine-plus hours apart each and every day. That makes our evening and weekend time really, really valuable to me. Plus, I find her to be a totally delightful companion.

So, to leave her for two nights?! What was I thinking?

Oh, that’s right — I was thinking about my husband. And me. And the ongoing health of our marriage. Those are good things to think about, right? Those are things that get forgotten when I’m busy doting on my little girl.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m super excited about the weekend. I’ll be hanging out with some of my favorite people (including Jeff). I won’t be scrubbing sticky hands, wrestling a fiesty toddler during diaper changes, and worrying about what to make for dinner. But, I know that I will think about Adele alot. I will be looking forward to our happy (hopefully!) reunion on Sunday and hoping that she’s eating, sleeping, and listening well all weekend along.

So, instead of hyperventilating, I’m really trying to trust that God has great things in store for our marriage this weekend. I’m going to be grateful for a mother-in-law who is willing to drive all the way from South Carolina to spend time with her beautiful granddaughter; I know it’s a weekend that they will both cherish. I will enjoy being with my husband and with our friends. And, I will miss my girl. There’s just simply no getting around it.

Our Florida vacation was fabulous. Relaxing. Rejuvenating. Full of fun. Wonderful memories were created with this bathing beauty. I lost count of how many times I stopped and marveled at how this beautiful, friendly, sweet little girl was my very own daughter.

Adele was such a good airplane passenger. She won the hearts of many. How do you tell a 19-month old how very proud you are in a way that means something to them?

She loved seeing her “papa” and “maam-ma.” She mastered blowing bubbles (a huge feat) and enjoyed swimming in the pool. She spotted ‘quirrels, doggies, and kit-tees. She learned to chomp like an alligator, and she relished every fresh strawberry, cucumber, tomato, and watermelon slice that she could get her hands on.

A good time was truly had by all.