ex(PR)essed

I’ve moved! It was time, so I’ve packed up my blog and relocated it at http://bethexpressed.wordpress.com/.

Won’t you please join me there? Oh, and feel free to invite your friends over too.

(Forgive the mess…I’m still settling in.)

I took Adele to the playground on Sunday afternoon after her nap. She was excited to swing and she showed great courage by going down a big slide all by herself. For awhile it was just the two of us, and then a dad showed up with his daugther and they started playing hide and seek. No biggie. But then, a roving band of middle school-aged kids showed up and drama ensued.

Adele was sitting amongst three older kids on the swings when the conversation turned a little too foul for this mama’s taste. These young kids were talking about how one of the other girls had spit on them, about someone else’s boyfriend, and then started using language that I won’t repeat and would like to cleanse from my and Adele’s ears. (You understand, right, that she’s at an age where she repeats almost everything.)

So, undecided as to whether to say something directly to the foul-mouthed, unsupervised kids or to simply leave, I opted to pluck Adele off her swing and head for home. (Much to her dismay, by the way.)

This situation has been bothering me all week for several reasons, but mostly because I don’t like the fear I felt at the moment and even now. I am afraid for my daugther to grow up in this messed up world. I am afraid that she’ll want to go to that playground to play with her friends some day, and I won’t be able to forget what I witnessed on Sunday. I’m afraid that girls will talk about her and be mean. I’m afraid she’ll get her feelings hurt or, worse, get her heart broken. I’m afraid that I won’t be good at demonstrating forgiveness and grace when inside I’m seething because of whatever wrong has been done.

This is yet another element of parenthood that I am unprepared for. I seriously feel like I need to quit my job and spend 24 hours a day on my knees because without the all-consuming grace, love, and protection of the Father, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to watch my baby grow up.

This world is so broken.

I think this might be my favorite scrapbook page to date. I’m pleased with it for several reasons: it uses colors that perfectly complement the photo, which, I think, is absolutely adorable; it mixes punches, ribbon, and a variety of patterned papers in some cool layering effects that help add texture to the page; and the subject of the journaling (cloth diapering) is probably “unexpected.”

The journaling: Through the generosity of others we were able to invest in Bum Genius cloth diapers for you. We chose cloth primarily for environmental reasons. For months you were too small to fit into the cloth diapers, but once you started wearing them regularly you also started getting terrible diaper rashes. By September your rashes were so persistent and severe that the doctor advised us to discontinue using the cloth. We were so disappointed. But, you are so much more important than any goal or ideal we had, and we know this is just one of many parenting curve balls we’ll face.

Last week I ordered a “grab bag” of scrapbook paper from Scenic Route Paper. The deal seemed too good to pass up — 1oo sheets of paper for $14.95 plus three sheets of free alphabet stickers with every order. So, I placed the order and waited…not so patiently. A few days later I got notice that my order had shipped, and I was most anxious to see my loot!

Yesterday when I got home there was a box on the counter and sure enough it was mine! I could hardly wait to sort through the paper, and, when I did, I wasn’t a bit disappointed. I think there were a total of seven sheets that I knew without a doubt I would not use. The rest–all 93 sheets–are superb! Just thumbing through the stack totally inspired me, and I’ve already used a few of the goodies in the album I’m working on of our Florida trip (see below).

It was truly bliss in a box! What a treat on a cold, rainy Thursday night.

Since Adele moved into the Pooh Bear room at daycare in November, saying goodbye has always been a bit of a snugglefest. She helps me put her lunch in the refrigerator, take off her coat, and stash anything that needs put away. Then, we snuggle and smooch for awhile before I hand her off to one of the teachers. That teacher then carries her over to the window, and she waves goodbye and blows kisses as I leave. Such a sweet little routine.

Well, since Monday of this week, Adele has been quick to just join in the fun when we get to her room. She’s still interested in poking around in the fridge while I unpack her lunch, but then she just wants to play with her friends. I can barely get a kiss. And, twice this week she didn’t even go to the window to wave goodbye.

Oh my. This is hard on a mama’s heart.

It’s like Adele discovered a new confidence and assuredness after a weekend with no mommy and daddy. Don’t get me wrong — I’m thrilled that she’s comfortable at her daycare and grateful that she enjoys playing with her friends there so much. But, I know this is just the first of many tiny little (and enormous) steps she’ll take away from me in the coming years.

For now, I’ll be thankful that when I pick her up at the end of the day, she squeals and runs at me with arms wide open.

Well, I did it! I managed to have a perfectly lovely weekend with my husband without missing/worrying about my sweet girl too much. Adele had a wonderful time with her “Maam-ma,” aunt “Ket-tee,” and cousin ”Naniel.” As a matter of fact, she sobbed when they left on Sunday. There she was…stuck with boring mommy and daddy again.

Jeff and I spent the weekend at a hotel in Harrisburg with eight other couples from church at a marriage retreat. The weekend was led by our beloved pastor and his wife as well as a missionary couple from our church. There were sessions and homework. On the very first night, one of the sessions was about threats to a marriage. One of the threats was identified as infedelity, which was defined as everything from an sexual relationship outside of marriage to an unhealthy emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex. While thankfully neither of those issues are a threat in our marriage, I do think our marriage has a mistress of sorts, and she lives under our roof with us.

Since Adele was born, she has logically and understandly demanded alot of attention. And, I, especially, have more than willingly completely poured myself out for her day after day, night after night. (And, don’t get me wrong, I have loved it!) I have enjoyed feeling so completely needed, and have been delighted at the unconditional, enthusiastic way that Adele shows affection towards me.

But, when you’re giving your all to one person, there’s not much left for anyone else (including yourself). And, I think that’s what was starting to happen. Jeff is obviously a grown-up who is more than capable of taking care of himself, so I left him to do just that. And, now I realize that there must be a better balance. Jeff doesn’t need me to meet his every need, but he does want me to be a friend, partner, and ally, and that means I need to be a little more available.

I desperately want Adele to grow up in the home of two parents who are as crazy about each other as they are about her. I also want her to clearly see how our love for each other (and her!) is rooted solidly in the Lord.

So, it’s a new day for me and my hubby. While our “mistress” is likely to be under roof with us for at least another 17 years, we are newly committed to not allowing our well-intentioned affection towards her detract from our marriage relationship.

I am taking deep breaths today. I am focusing on keeping my heartbeat in check. Nice and easy. Nothing to it.

You see, this weekend, Jeff and I are leaving Adele for two nights (!) and going on a marriage retreat with some couples from our church. We’re leaving her in Grandma’s very capable hands, so I don’t have any real worries about that aspect of things. What I’m worried about is simply missing my sweet girl.

Before I had Adele, I lived under the impression that I would relish moments away from her. That I would be desperate for people to watch her so I could have a few minutes to myself or a night out with my husband. This has totally not been the case for me. 

I attribute that mostly to my working outside the house. Adele and I spend nine-plus hours apart each and every day. That makes our evening and weekend time really, really valuable to me. Plus, I find her to be a totally delightful companion.

So, to leave her for two nights?! What was I thinking?

Oh, that’s right — I was thinking about my husband. And me. And the ongoing health of our marriage. Those are good things to think about, right? Those are things that get forgotten when I’m busy doting on my little girl.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m super excited about the weekend. I’ll be hanging out with some of my favorite people (including Jeff). I won’t be scrubbing sticky hands, wrestling a fiesty toddler during diaper changes, and worrying about what to make for dinner. But, I know that I will think about Adele alot. I will be looking forward to our happy (hopefully!) reunion on Sunday and hoping that she’s eating, sleeping, and listening well all weekend along.

So, instead of hyperventilating, I’m really trying to trust that God has great things in store for our marriage this weekend. I’m going to be grateful for a mother-in-law who is willing to drive all the way from South Carolina to spend time with her beautiful granddaughter; I know it’s a weekend that they will both cherish. I will enjoy being with my husband and with our friends. And, I will miss my girl. There’s just simply no getting around it.

Our Florida vacation was fabulous. Relaxing. Rejuvenating. Full of fun. Wonderful memories were created with this bathing beauty. I lost count of how many times I stopped and marveled at how this beautiful, friendly, sweet little girl was my very own daughter.

Adele was such a good airplane passenger. She won the hearts of many. How do you tell a 19-month old how very proud you are in a way that means something to them?

She loved seeing her “papa” and “maam-ma.” She mastered blowing bubbles (a huge feat) and enjoyed swimming in the pool. She spotted ‘quirrels, doggies, and kit-tees. She learned to chomp like an alligator, and she relished every fresh strawberry, cucumber, tomato, and watermelon slice that she could get her hands on.

A good time was truly had by all.

Sometimes life seems to pass by in blur. Busy at home, busy at work. You know the story.

In addition to having a sick girl, we’ve also both been busy at work, and we’re in one those weeks where Jeff has multiple evening commitments. All this after a busy (but fun!) weekend out of town.

The only good thing about Adele being sick is how incredibly snuggly she gets at bedtime. I had her all wrapped up in a blanket that had been in mine as a child, and were making up a story about a little girl named Adele and black and white kitty who liked to play. Every once and awhile, Adele would just repeat a word I had said, but in a soft whisper.

In those moments the blur of life doesn’t matter. Just a soft-skinned, snuggly little girl with fly-away hair.

Life is good.

[Warning: This is a bit of a parental rant.]

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. For Adele that meant a party at school, and for me it meant a decision about whether to let her partake in all the sugary goodness that comes with a Valentine’s Day party. I relented, this once, and agreed that she could eat what the other kids were having, knowing full well that cookies and Jello were in her future.

It was significant — my willingness to allow Adele to enjoy all those treats — because normally she’s the only one in her class eating a morning and afternoon snack packed by her mommy. And the snack is usually fruit or veggies because, call me crazy, I think that’s better for her than Nutri-grain bars, frosted Cheerios, or cheese puffs (all things that have been on the other kids’ plates).

You see, if people were to assess my parenting and say that I’m too rigid or too strict about any one particular area, they would undoubtedly say “food.”  While I was pregnant, Jeff and I agreed that we wanted to do everything in our power to raise a little one who liked a variety of foods. (In other words, we didn’t want to raise a kid on chicken nuggets and french fries.) Towards that end, we agreed that I would make Adele’s baby food. Every spoonful that made it into her mouth was homemade. This accomplishment is seriously one of my proudest. Not necessarily because there’s anything wrong with jarred food, but mostly because this was an act of love from me to my baby, a tangible (and delicious, I think!) demonstration of how completely important she  is to me.

And, because she’s important to me, I also know it’s perfectly fine to let her have treats. (We do let her have treats at home, but that’s what they are — treats.) Yesterday she came home from daycare with more dirty spots on her pants than clean spots, my first sign that things had perhaps gotten a little out of control. She had clearly sat in some sort of pink frosting.  She was a talkative, busy mess when she got home. It was fun at first to see her so animated, but then she started dipping her hand in her yogurt and flinging it all over the floor, herself, and the cupboards. She couldn’t settle down at bedtime and was awake talking and playing in her crib for an extra hour.  It took me awhile to put two and two together, but I did: the sugar was to blame.

As part of her Valentine’s Day celebration, she and her classmates also exchanged valentines in their handmade, adorable bags. I was stunned at how much candy was in Adele’s bag! Little bags of M&Ms, Rice Krispie treats, lollypops, Hershey Kisses…all things that are totally inappropriate (in my opinion) for one year olds!

As parents we take seriously our responsibility to teach our children good manners. We want them to be safe and we remove hazzards from their path. How can we care so much about those things and not care about giving them a good foundation for a healthy lifestyle? How can our personal convenience be more important than their well-being? Because that’s what it really boils down to right? Candy is cheap and easy to find. Veggies and fruits are more expensive and burdensome what with all the washing and chopping.

I’m plenty lazy about many things, but I won’t be lazy about my daughter. And, for this brief span of time when she’ll let me select her meals, I’m going to help her get off to a good start.